OK - so this one is not strictly a gig, but worthy of a mention should anyone consider venturing out to see a television show (Britain's Got Talent - hosted by Ant and Dec, judged by Simon Cowell) being taped as we did. Dragging a surprisingly keen Phil out of bed on a pleasant Saturday morning (though he may have feigned interest for my benefit on this one) to the Manchester Apollo (yeah - I know I'm frequenting this place A LOT since moving here) we began the queueing process. I use the word process lightly here - as I'm not sure there was one. There were two queues and when we enquired as to the difference between them, we were told they were just separate queues, but to join the longer one. Sorry I asked really. Queuing with us were a crowd of eager, high street fashion-clad 20-40 year olds. During this time, one of the judges, Piers Morgan, arrived to a reception of half-hearted enthusiasm, though you could expect that most of the people in the queue know him only from the Comic Relief work screened recently and not much else. Once inside we were directed like school children into the seated area at which point we discover we are sitting directly in front of Simon Cowell's Biggest Fan Ever. Big in both senses. The warm up guy was hilarious, yet we got the sense that the experience was about to be clouded by the people behind us. And we were right. Cue constant heckling and screeching. Once the show's introduction had been taped with Ant and Dec, it was time to bring on the judges. The lady (I use this term for a want of being kind) behind us begins to panic. No - Simon himself was not going to sit on her lap or so much as speak to her - merely walk past at a distance of say, 10-15 metres. But still, for Simon Cowell's Biggest Fan Ever, it was enough to prompt her to scream: 'OH SWEET BABY JESUS OF NAZERETH!!!'. During his 'momentus' walk past, she bellowed his name like a harpooned walrus so loud that anyone this side of Macclesfield would have got it. Like a seasoned professional who knows better than to make eye contact with a crazed heifer, Simon didn't so much as turn his head in her direction, thank God.
Right - so on to the talent show... and I have to say that I'm not putting anyone down here, but the dross we saw does not give much hope for the ratings for the show. Suffice to say there were many acts that were booed off stage before they had barely started, but sadly some acts had to get through to the next round. Included in the latter barrel-scraping category were a woman in a leather catsuit who uses an angle grinder to produce sparks from a metal plate resting on her crotch (set to music, if that makes any difference) a gang of children in neon leotards performing some gymnastics (yawn!) and a £50-a-night wedding singer who does impressions of famous singers (badly). After 4 hours, we were released so they could do it all again for the afternoon session and I kid you not - the fan club behind me were planning to come back for more. Seriously.
My advice on this one...
Go: if you can stand clapping for hours and being penned in with random people who may or may not incite you to kill.
Don't Go: if you lack patience and carry arms.
